Blorp – The Sales Robot That’s Bad at Sales

You’ve probably met Blorp before—though you might not have realized it. At best, he’s forgettable. At worst, he makes your blood boil.

And yet, companies keep hiring Blorp to be their frontman—the very first impression with potential customers. The problem? Blorp only knows one word: “Blorp.”

If you haven’t figured it out, Blorp is the sound an autodialer makes when you answer the phone. You say hello. There’s a pause (Blorp finishing his coffee I assume). Then: “Blorp.” Another pause. Background chatter. Finally, a timid voice:

“Uh…hello. Is this…Cowling?”

(My name is Colin. But call center workers seem to specialize in butchering names—apparently a core sales skill.)

Why Do Companies Hire Blorp?

It comes down to cost and the theory that it’s all a numbers game: that if a seasoned sales person makes eight planned outreaches a day to specific contacts, then an autodialer making 1,000 robocalls a day to a generalized list must be better. It’s not.

Seasoned salespeople are expensive. The best ones don’t just solve the single issue a client brings them. They ask smart questions, uncover hidden challenges, and connect dots across silos. Over time, they earn trust. They become partners, not vendors. And they turn that trust into predictable revenue and long-term relationships.

But again—those people are expensive. Inexperienced, new inside salespeople are cheap by comparison.

So executives start rationalizing:

Sales Exec 1: “Salesperson A+ is great, but she’s tied up with big accounts. Thousands of prospects out there don’t know us. Let’s hire Blorp to spray calls everywhere, then hand leads to her.”

Sales Exec 2: “But she’s costly and already busy. Let’s hire Salesperson C- instead—or better yet, a whole team of D+’s. They’ll take the calls that Blorp makes and we’ll get them to push the high-margin services. Maybe we don’t even need Salesperson A+ since she really just manages those accounts anyway.”

Sales Exec 3: “Didn’t A+ grow those accounts through years of trust? Is it smart to have someone inexperienced—or worse, a robocall—be the first impression with a CEO?”

Sales Exec 1: (look of frustration) “We’ll save money on salaries and we’ll make up for it in volume of calls and volume of smaller clients, like in Moneyball.”

Sales Exec 2: “Oh wait, I’ve got a call…‘Hello?’ [hangs up] Just another robocall. Anyway, where were we?”

This is how companies end up outsourcing their brand’s handshake to Blorp.

People Love to Buy—But Hate Being Sold

Here’s the universal truth: people love to buy, but they hate being sold to.

Blorp screams, “You’re about to be sold something you don’t want.” And if that’s not clear enough, the script in front of your Salesperson C- will drive it home: you don’t care about them, just their budget.

That’s the kind of sales we all hate.

What to Do Instead

If you actually want growth, say bye to Blorp. Do the harder, more human work instead:

• Train your people to ask better questions. Not just about budgets, but about goals, frustrations, and blind spots.

• Document what matters. If they mention kids, pets, or hobbies, write it down. Show you’re paying attention.

• Leverage relationships. Use existing trust to earn warm introductions instead of cold interruptions.

• Play the long game. Build credibility and empathy so you’re seen as a partner—not a peddler.

• Adjust your incentives. Most sellers are driven to perform. Give them goals and compensation that reward the right behaviors and not just outcomes.

In short: act like a human who cares, not a robot that blorps.